First of all, I must apologize. I really do try to keep all my blog posts lighthearted or insightful-- I want what I write to be something that whoever bothers coming on here (doubtful that there are many) will enjoy reading. This post is not going to be one of those. Like I said, I do apologize. Nevertheless, I do really want to write, and this is all that's on my mind.
I'm afraid that I'm falling into a funk. A *funk.* There are times I feel irritated and hurt, but then I look at myself and tell myself that I have NO reason to feel that way, or at least that whatever reasons I can come up with are pretty lame. I need to put out the pity parties and chin up and get over myself and just get going! And I'm not sure if that's a bad thing. Clearly I shouldn't try to start drama. That's never a good thing, and there's enough of that without me adding my own "whatevers" to the mix. But then sometimes my decorum experiences a 30 second rupture and I have to rein myself in and act like it never happened. But then there are those subsequent suspicious undercurrents. It's kinda ridiculous. And I'm not really sure what to do...
One of the first units we studied in health this year dealt with our overall health: physical, social, emotional... We had a heap of worksheets that we filled out about our relationships with other people. There were the standard questions, like those asking to name friends that you trust, people you tell everything to, people you vent to, your *best friend* sort of deal. I honestly sat there, dumbfoundedly staring at the sheet, waiting for a name to pop into my head, realizing how pathetic my existence must be if I've pushed away my closest "friends," and haven't cared enough to have someone *there.*
Just yesterday a friend told me that my esteem isn't high enough. I don't think that's exactly true. My esteem truly isn't that low right now, especially compared to where it's been before! (Come on, we ALL have those times) I've been feeling pretty good these past few weeks; happy with my classes, happy with school, happy with the people in my classes. I guess I don't really need those super duper close friends that my health worksheets thought I ought to have, but gee... wouldn't it be nice to have someone to trust with everything, again?
I don't know. It's strange to consider. And why bother assigning fault? In the end, the fault is likely mine. And I'm not just saying that.
I hate those funks. The feeling more sensitive and easily irritable usually come for me when I'm stressed out and haven't been getting enough sleep. I also get in funks when I feel unproductive and useless, which can be fixed by getting busy doing something worthwhile. I haven't had that particular friend problem for an extended period of time, but if you want to talk more often, I'm totally down with that. And what you said you tell yourself - to "chin up" and be brave and move forward - I tell myself the exact same thing when I start feeling down! I'll have to tell you about my "prude stick" when you come out here. I love you. We need to have our kind of sister talk more often.
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