To Make a *Difference,* to Leave the World a Better Place

''I don’t wish to be everything to e v e r y o n e ...

But I would like to be something to someone."

Awe

Have you ever considered... what things spark a sense of awe within you? What causes you to sink back, or to lean forward? Here's my list, in no particular order.

1. City Lights. Sitting stereotypically on a balcony looking at the city against the black night, staring down at lights from the more distant airplane window, or speeding along the freeway and seeing the headlights, tailights and street lights.... whichever way you see them, they just have a mesmerizing quality of modern beauty, and inspire awe by all the life and development they seem to represent.

2. Fire. Similar to city lights, but fire has a more natural magic. My psychology textbook says that our eyes are attracted to light and motion, and fire is both. Bonfires or fires in the fireplace on a chilly day, demand attention. You can lose yourself in their relaxing flames.

3. Distant Storms. This past summer, stranded on a mountain side late at night, we looked across to distant mountain ranges and saw lightning illuminate cloud edges and could see the zig zag strike the top of the mountain. I hate storms, but it did have a beauty that I could not deny.

4. A really good, powerful performance. The speaking ends, but the words linger.

5. Sunsets, sunrises, and rainbows.

6. Newborn Babies. Everything about them is so small...I marvel that they can move, that their bodies function. It really is remarkable.

7. The cracks in the ice out the window of an airplane over the Arctic. I can't really explain the image....everything about it is fantastic. The world seems to stretch forever, covered in ice with large seams running through it... It's a wonder.

It's *all* about SENIORITY

I remember walking through the halls as a freshman. Actually, it would be more accurate to say that I remember trying to walk through the halls as a freshmen. It was always a test of strategic skill just getting from one class to the next. The congested hallways were a fit rival for any freshmen; darting between people moving in the same direction, smashing through people moving in the opposite direction, getting pummeled by packs (yeah, they hang off peoples arms and backs, but that’s about my head level), and smashing through the knots of people that congregate just outside the entrance to the media center. It’s like a feakin’ minefield! The upperclassmen, particularly the seniors, would brag about how a benefit of their seniority was the ease with which they were able to maneuver the hallways; they would say that the way the underclassmen diverted to move out of their way was just like p.a.r.t.i.n.g. the Red Sea. This is just one of the benefits that, having finally achieved that SENIOR status, I finally get to enjoy.

…Except that I don’t, actually. So nix THAT!

The truth is that I haven’t grown since junior high. This means that as a senior in high school I am, sadly, the same height as I was way back when I was a freshmen. Think of my height as the “control” of this grand experiment and allow me to conclude that the ease with which one is able to navigate the school hallways ought to be attributed not to senior status, but to SIZE. And as far as size goes…Well. I found out recently that I am in the 27th percentile for the height of adult women. And that isn’t likely to change. And it’s not like I’m a fierce and intimidating persona compressed into a tiny container, either! Were that the case, maybe this sea of students would separate! Maybe if I was more intimidating I could get through with greater ease? Maybe if I painted black on my cheeks like football players? Or packed some pounds over my glutes and got some swagger? Maybe if I was gangsta? Maybe if I was hipster? Maybe if I held my books to my chest, ducked my head, and RAN??? Maybe combat boots? I guess the skinny jeans and flats just aren’t cutting it! Maybe by the end of the year…?

Chasing Memories

Faces milling,
Emotion spilling,
Names and footprints
Pass through my mind.

Here’s to catching fireflies,
Here’s to telling little white lies,
Here’s to chasing butterflies
And watching cloudy skies.

Here’s to that sundress,
The thudding heart in my chest,
The days that went with little rest,
The dreams that I’ve express’d.

Here’s to the summer sun,
The work that was never done,
The season’s breath in my lungs,
The open fields, begging me to run.

Here’s to the golden tomorrows,
The happiness that counters sorrow.
Here’s to the roads I’ve tried to follow,
The love I didn’t need to borrow.

Here’s to the memories of the past,
The laughter that for hours lasts,
Here’s to the glow that on my life is cast,
And the future that is spread before me, so vast.

Here’s to the little moments in life,
Here’s to the joy that outlives the strife.

This is Not Lighthearted

First of all, I must apologize. I really do try to keep all my blog posts lighthearted or insightful-- I want what I write to be something that whoever bothers coming on here (doubtful that there are many) will enjoy reading. This post is not going to be one of those. Like I said, I do apologize. Nevertheless, I do really want to write, and this is all that's on my mind.

I'm afraid that I'm falling into a funk. A *funk.* There are times I feel irritated and hurt, but then I look at myself and tell myself that I have NO reason to feel that way, or at least that whatever reasons I can come up with are pretty lame. I need to put out the pity parties and chin up and get over myself and just get going! And I'm not sure if that's a bad thing. Clearly I shouldn't try to start drama. That's never a good thing, and there's enough of that without me adding my own "whatevers" to the mix. But then sometimes my decorum experiences a 30 second rupture and I have to rein myself in and act like it never happened. But then there are those subsequent suspicious undercurrents. It's kinda ridiculous. And I'm not really sure what to do...

One of the first units we studied in health this year dealt with our overall health: physical, social, emotional... We had a heap of worksheets that we filled out about our relationships with other people. There were the standard questions, like those asking to name friends that you trust, people you tell everything to, people you vent to, your *best friend* sort of deal. I honestly sat there, dumbfoundedly staring at the sheet, waiting for a name to pop into my head, realizing how pathetic my existence must be if I've pushed away my closest "friends," and haven't cared enough to have someone *there.*

Just yesterday a friend told me that my esteem isn't high enough. I don't think that's exactly true. My esteem truly isn't that low right now, especially compared to where it's been before! (Come on, we ALL have those times) I've been feeling pretty good these past few weeks; happy with my classes, happy with school, happy with the people in my classes. I guess I don't really need those super duper close friends that my health worksheets thought I ought to have, but gee... wouldn't it be nice to have someone to trust with everything, again?

I don't know. It's strange to consider. And why bother assigning fault? In the end, the fault is likely mine. And I'm not just saying that.

Guilty Nerdy Pleasures

Sometimes I deny being a nerd.

Sometimes I have no choice but to admit to its truth.

I like school.

I hate homework.

I enjoy writing.

I dislike math.

I find my Western Heritage textbook fascinating (for the most part)...my teacher claims it's boring!

I automatically correct spoken grammatical mistakes.

I'm always dragging by the end of the school week, welcoming the weekend with outstretched arms.

The one very nerdy indulgence that I do admit to is that I absolutely postively LOVE editing papers. I think it is just so fun. I'm not a huge fan of editing my own, but I'm enthralled by the stories or essays of others: by what they have to say and how they choose to say it. I find editing them to be like a puzzle--searching for the best words, the best combination of consonants to make the writing roll off your tongue and paint a picture. I also like evaluating the structure, and trying to determine whether moving a sentence or a paragraph would help the paper to make more sense, to seem more organic, or to encourage the reader to continue and see what happens next. There are so many words, so many structures, and so many possibilites.

So am I a nerd?

Potentially.

Addicted to this Song

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gu9-5SS8V8M

Some More About Me:

I am afraid of thunderstorms.

I hate driving over bridges.

My whole body tenses up when I'm in a car that's driving through the rain.

I WILL go out of my way to avoid walking in the proximity of large birds.

I will also go out of my way to avoid canoeing in the proximity of large birds.

This does include swans. I don't care how freakin' majestic or beautiful you think they are.

They are MACHINES.

Potential freaks me out; knowing that there is a high possibility of falling.

I throw my hands up in the air sometimes...

I'm always nervous about walking up to the wrong house when visiting friends. AWKWARD.

Blood and bodily harm make my head spin so....

I distract myself by tapping my toes, jiggling my legs, looking around, focusing on anything else.

I love walking.

And listening to music.

Preferably simultaneously.

I sometimes get the urge to dance down the street as my music blares in my ears.

I like walking across bridges. Or skipping across them. They make my life seem like a fairytale.

I like novels about tragedy and death.

I love Poe's poetry

BUT

I hate his short stories.

I have a desire to create something lasting--

something powerful.

Something that can evoke emotion...

And does.

I don't fear death.

I swear I'm not suicidal or anything of the sort, but the truth is...

Death excites me.

I'm so unbelievably excited to have everyone I've ever loved all around me at once.

I can't wait to see and be with those who will greet me when I pass the veil.

I want to see everyone who has touched my life

Or whom I have touched

And can't even fathom how grand of a reunion it will be.

And I will get to share the gospel with my loved ones from Earth who didn't take the time to learn it here.

And I pray they will listen, and accept. I pray I can be the example they need.

"Live so that those who know you,

But don't know Him,

Will want to know Him

Because they know you"

And I will see Christ. And try to find some way to express just how much I love Him.

Don't get me wrong-- I'm certainly not ready for it yet.

I have so much left to do.